Grief and Loss

Each one of us has our way of coping with painful experiences. The list below may help you generate ideas about managing your feelings of grief.

• Talk to family or friends
• Seek counseling
• Read poetry or books
• Engage in social interactions
• Exercise
• Eat healthy foods
• Seek spiritual support
• Take time to relax
• Join a support group
• Listen to music
• Be patient with yourself
• Permit yourself to grieve

Each one of us has our way of coping with painful experiences. The list below may help you generate ideas about managing your feelings of grief.

• Talk to family or friends
• Seek counseling
• Read poetry or books
• Engage in social interactions
• Exercise
• Eat healthy foods
• Seek spiritual support
• Take time to relax
• Join a support group
• Listen to music
• Be patient with yourself
• Permit yourself to grieve

• Take some kind of action - a phone call, a card, a hug, attend the funeral - offer specific help.
• Be available - allow them to talk without being judgmental.
• Listen well - avoid telling them what to do or feel or using clichés such as "You have to move on," "it's the best thing."
• Be patient - grievers have to talk to heal and many times, it is easy to be impatient. Encourage self-care. Link people to professional assistance if needed.
  
  

Counseling for grief and loss can help by:

• Assisting you in understanding and working through your reactions to your loss.
• Enhancing your ability to cope with having lost someone significant in your life.
• Maximizing your resilience in the face of longer-term or complicated grief.

• Compassionate Friends (self-help group for bereaved parents) 816.531.6464
• Solace House (center for grieving children and their families) 913.341.0318
• Kansas City Hospice 816.363.2600
• Mental Health Helpline 913.281.1234

Even when a person finds a replacement job before unemployment begins, it doesn't eliminate the next phase. A new job still means a new environment, new people and possible relocation. Sometimes, it involves a pay cut, reduced benefits and starting over at the bottom of the seniority ladder.

Beyond the loss of income, losing a job also comes with other significant losses, some of which may be even more difficult to face:

• Loss of your professional identity
• Loss of self-esteem and self-confidence
• Loss of your daily routine
• Loss of purposeful activity
• Loss of your work-based social network
• Loss of your sense of security
  
  

Fear, depression and anxiety will make job hunting harder, so it's important to actively deal with your feelings and find healthy ways to grieve. Acknowledging your feelings and challenging your negative thoughts will help you deal with the loss and move on.

• Be open about what has happened to you. Don't be afraid to say, "I lost my job." You may be surprised at how many people you meet have had similar experiences.
• Become part of a support group. It can be constructive to talk to (and listen to) a group of people in your situation. Finding out that others have the same concerns and fears can often help deal with those feelings.
• Process your emotions. Admit your anger, fear and frustrations to your support group, family and friends. When you allow yourself to do this, you take the first step toward managing your emotions instead of letting them control you.
• Affirm yourself. You may feel guilty for letting your family down even though you know your job loss had nothing to do with anything you did. Or you may have missed out on a job opportunity that would have kept you employed.

Renew and deepen relationships. Your family and friends can be a more robust source of strength than you realized. Having someone you can lean on and rely on can be crucial in times of trouble.

• Maintaining or renewing spirituality can be as helpful as your relationships with other people. Your personal beliefs can give you support even when other people are not available for support.
• Keep your sense of humor. Laughter is as vital to your health as physical exercise and a good diet. Learn to look for humor in everyday situations, especially things that happen to you. Learning to laugh at yourself is one of the best ways to have a healthy self-image.

Children depend on their parents or guardians for emotional security. When adults are tense, upset and inattentive, much of this feeling of security is gone. Communication is critical when talking to children about job loss and how it will affect them.

Change in income can mean lifestyle changes for the entire family. There is less money to spend, so deciding what money is available is essential.

It also may indicate a move to a new location to find employment, away from friends and extended family, school and familiar routines.

There may be less family time. Also, the other parent may need to work a second job, start work or pick up extra hours, which is more change.

Here are some suggestions:

• Maintain household routines as much as possible.
• Keep significant changes to a minimum, although some may be unavoidable.
• Help your children by helping yourself first.
• Recognize symptoms of stress, including sleeplessness, digestive disturbances, headaches, angry outbursts, appetite changes.
• Eat balanced meals and get enough rest and exercise to discharge energy.
• Help children to focus on the positive aspects of their lives.
• Help them see that they are not the only family affected, and perhaps they can talk with other families and find out how they are coping and what is helping them.
• Reassure children by letting them know you're taking action and job hunting.
• Involve children in helping out at home, with babysitting, household chores, but don't make them think they are responsible for supporting the family.
• Lead by example for your children to solve problems, deal with a crisis, and make decisions.
• Assure kids that losing jobs affects many people and that it is a temporary situation, not a major disaster.
• Don't depend on your children for emotional support. Sharing too much can cause undue stress in them.
• Spend time together doing low-cost or no-cost activities. Kids love downtime with parents and just time to hang out.

• Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience.
• The grieving process happens only gradually. It can't be forced or hurried—and there is no "normal" timetable for grieving.
• Feeling sad, frightened or lonely is normal to lose a beloved pet.
• Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only worsen it in the long run.

• One aspect that can make grieving for the loss of a pet so tricky is that everyone does not appreciate pet loss. Friends and family may ask, "What's the big deal? It's just a pet!" Some people assume that pet loss shouldn't hurt as much as human loss or that it is somehow inappropriate to grieve for an animal.
• Don't argue with others about whether your grief is appropriate or not.
• Accept the fact that the best support for your grief may come from outside your usual circle of friends and family members.
• Seek out others who have lost pets, those who can appreciate the magnitude of your loss and may be able to suggest ways of getting through the grieving process.
• Check out online message boards, pet loss hotlines and support groups.
• Seek professional help if you need it. Suppose your grief is persistent and interferes with your ability to function. In that case, your doctor or a mental health professional can evaluate you for depression.
• Rituals can help to heal. A funeral can help you and your family members openly express your feelings. Ignore people who think it's inappropriate to hold a funeral for a pet and do what feels right for you.
• Create a legacy for your animal by building a memorial, planting a tree in their name or creating a scrapbook.
• Look after yourself. The stress of losing a pet can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time. Eat a healthy diet, get plenty of sleep and exercise regularly to release endorphins and help boost your mood.
• If you have other pets, try to maintain your everyday routine. Surviving pets can also experience loss when a pet dies or they may become distressed by your sorrow. Maintaining their daily routines will benefit the surviving pets and help elevate your outlook.

• Let your child see you express your grief at the loss of the pet. If you don't experience the same sense of loss as your child, respect their grief and let them express their feelings openly.
• Reassure your child that they weren't responsible for the pet's death. The death of a pet can raise many questions and fears in a child. You may need to reassure your child that you, their parents, are not also likely to die.
• Involve your child in the dying process. If you've chosen euthanasia for your pet, be honest with your child. Explain why the choice is necessary and give the child chance to spend some particular time with the pet and say goodbye in their way.
• If possible, give the child an opportunity to create a remembrance of the pet, such as a special photograph or a plaster cast of the animal's paw print, for example.
• Allow the child to be involved in any memorial service if they desire. Holding a funeral or creating a memorial for the pet can help your child express their feelings openly and help process the loss.
• Do not rush out to get the child a "replacement pet" before they have had a chance to grieve the loss they feel. Your child may feel disloyal, or you could send the message that the grief and sadness felt when something dies can be overcome by buying a replacement.

• Coping With Death of Pet – Details on understanding pet loss grief and how to cope with the pain and sadness.
• Coping With the Death of Your Pet – Tips on how to manage when it's time to say goodbye to a beloved pet.
• Kansas City Pet Cemetery – Rolling Acres Memorial Gardens for Pets.

• Sudden, unexpected results from natural causes but without a history of illness.
• Violent, mutilating, destructive - primarily when caused by the actions of another person, an accident, suicide, homicide or another catastrophe.
• They are viewed as random and preventable.
• Involves multiple deaths.
• Results in the survivor's (mourner's) own personal encounter with death.

The grieving process with traumatic grief is complex and it demands even more than a normal response as the survivor struggles to cope with the loss and the aftermath.

Traumatic losses are the ones that often require counseling and professional help from those knowledgeable in the field to help the grieving better cope with the loss.

Whenever someone receives news of a sudden and tragic loss, the body responds physically and emotionally. Your body goes through automatic changes to enable you to cope with the trauma.

These responses happen automatically, which may feel out of your control and scary if you don't know it is normal.

In a moment, your entire life has changed and it will never be the same before this traumatic and sudden loss. So many talks about trying to "get back to normal."

You have to accept that you will be living a "new normal." Others around you may want you to get back to the way you used to be. But you have changed.

Many things in your life seem different. Some people drop those who are not helpful in their lives, while others expand their circle to include more and more people.

You come to appreciate those who remember to let you grieve in your ways and in your own time without casting judgment.

Some friends or loved ones want you to "get over it" and "move on." That feels impossible.

Many share that their legs are lead weights after a sudden loss. They can't move, and they have difficulty swallowing. They feel exhausted in a way never imagined and they are grieving.

1. Start gathering your support system around you. You will want to and need to express strong feelings about what happened and how you feel, and it isn't healthy to suppress these urges. Having trusted family and friends who can listen and share memories will be necessary now.
2. Have a support member start notifying the people who most need to know. It helps to inform those who can quickly contact others for you. Some people will need to be notified in person.
3. Identify those in your support system who will be responsible for protecting your privacy from the media. Reporters will approach you. Determine how you will deal with their questions. Decide if you will watch the news coverage or not. You may want to record news for a later time.
4. Try to get some rest and think about your health. Contact a family doctor, grief counselor, or clergy. Get time off from work if possible.
5. You will be easily distracted. Be cautious driving.
6. Do not try to maintain an appearance of false strength. Be honest with others about your feelings.
7. Know that everyone grieves differently.
8. You will experience physical and emotional symptoms of grief beyond your control.
9. Try to eat, get rest and even walk a bit if possible.
10. Don't let people take advantage of you.
11. Make funeral arrangements. Communicate religious observances to the authorities and those handling the body of your loved one as soon as possible. Be sensitive to the input of those closest to your loved one when making arrangements, but keep the number of decisions to a minimum.

• Identifying the body will be emotionally challenging. Have someone go with you.
• If you are a witness, police and others may need to question you.
• Make priorities for what is most important right now, and don't do less important things.
• You may need to reclaim personal belongings.

• The funeral director will obtain the death certificate.
• If a will exists, locate it immediately.
• Begin dealing with the associated costs of the death.
• Begin filing insurance and other related claims.
• Don't make life-changing decisions right away or without consulting with a trusted person.
• You may want to consider a memorial gift or request contributions to your loved one's memory.